I wrote about my experiences in my late teens and early twenties before. During that period, I often wished to disappear and pondered the meaning of my existence—questions like, “Why am I here?” “Why am I alive?” Now, I can confidently answer, “There is no meaning to it!” Reflecting on these questions is a clear indicator that one has become ensnared in the loop of deep darkness.
Typically, when people are happy, such existential pondering seldom crosses their minds. I hope you would agree. Conversely, if you find yourself contemplating these questions, it is likely a sign that you are not in a happy state at that time- well, I had a depression that time.
What can we do next? and after? and after that?
Having learned a lesson from my experiences, whenever I found myself struggling for various reasons, I would decide on small actions I could take at that moment. During work, I would focus solely on my job, even if tears welled up in my eyes; I would persist in working and attempt to occupy my mind with other thoughts.
When my husband passed away, I expressed my desire to deliver a family eulogy, akin to a speech. I spent mornings and night, hours and hours contemplating what to say, constantly reassessing and considering changes, and determining the message I wanted to convey to everyone. I practiced repeatedly until the funeral. Reminding myself that it was okay to cry, I maintained composure and restarted if necessary. The nerves were overwhelming, especially as I had never spoken in front of such a large audience, including a worldwide live stream.
My primary motivation for delivering the eulogy was to share the true essence of him, the person he didn’t reveal to others. We were always best friends, respecting each other’s opinions and thoughts, sharing everything we couldn’t with anyone else. Our mutual need for each other strengthened our bond. Additionally, he instilled in me the confidence to be true to myself. I believe he would be proud of my endeavour. Because of him, I became a new version of myself.
After the funeral, I felt a profound exhaustion. Despite this, I had an English exam the following week, providing me with no respite. However, it proved to be a beneficial distraction. Subsequently, I immersed myself in paperwork, an emotionally and physically draining task that seemed never-ending. To keep myself busy avoids questioning my existence, I continued to engage in activities, including writing this blog, to occupy my time. This behaviour is relevant to a Growth Mindset, as I mentioned in my Blog.
The Unanswered Question of Our Existence
There is no point in dwelling on the meaning of our existence, as there may be no definitive answer. Instead of letting excessive contemplation lead to anxiety, engage in alternative activities you enjoy, such as practicing Yoga, taking a walk, or talking to a friend. Additionally, I would suggest watching a Ghibli film titled ‘The Boy and The Heron‘; this film made me contemplate deeply about how I can live my life.